Resisting the Urge (Week 21, Day 3)

Labor Day weekend was a chance for our little family to lay low after several busy weeks. We had made very few plans, and were thrilled to have the weekend mostly wide open to relax. I can say we somewhat accomplished our goal. While the weekend was not rushed or busy, with Maddy's cold and diaper rash it wasn't altogether restful. Her sleep patterns have gone backwards, and she is now up every 2 hours at night, if not more. After a few weeks reprieve, this change was difficult to take on again. At the same time, I had decided to begin training for a 10k run in October, and decided to start by going back to a trainer. Trying to work out with a military style trainer on no sleep should be classified as some sort of torture.

By Labor Day itself, Madeline was starting to feel better, the rash had all but disappeared, and Mommy's soreness from training had started to subside. Labor Day itself was filled with the highs and lows that only a parent can appreciate - a lovely breakfast at one of our favorite spots, ending in a major diaper blow out and trip home to do several loads of laundry. The afternoon was spent enjoying the last of the beautiful Chicago weather at the beach, toes in the sand, listening to Madeline coo and talk endlessly. This trip ended because the nap we thought we could get Maddy to take with the sounds of the lake lapping in the background never happened, and we knew we were in for tears and a struggle at bedtime later.

At the end of the day, after bath time and story time and quiet time to prepare for sleepy time, I gently laid Maddy in her crib drowsy but awake, so that she would soothe herself to sleep. This is something we try to do routinely and she is usually fast asleep in minutes, after finding her comfy spot in the crib. Today was not one of those days. She wiggled around, and began talking intently to the mobile above her head. This is always the moment that is the hardest for moms, because you want to go in and try to get your child to sleep, however also want to allow them to learn and grow on there own, and discover and explore their surroundings. Since Madeline was not crying and in fact was enjoying herself, I chose to watch on the monitor and see what she was learning. I'm so glad I resisted the urge to go in and soothe for her, because as I watched on the baby monitor, she wiggled around the crib, until she found her binky, and placed it in her mouth. She would suck on it briefly, then take it out and hold it in her hand, talk to the mobile, and put it back in again. I'd never seen her do that before! It made me realize how important (and hard) it is going to be to allow Madeline to chance to learn and grow on her own without hovering too closely. I can see this getting harder as the years go by!

Rash of the Diaper (Week 21, Day 1)

I'm upset about my diaper rash - can't you tell?

Every parent will tell you that as soon as you start to develop a routine, something will change with your child and everything will be chaos once again. It feels that way today. Or should I say in the wee hours of this morning. Yesterday was Maddy's doctors appointment to finally get her 4 month vaccinations - we needed to wait an extra 3 weeks to fight the fever and ear infection before doing her shots. The night before our appointment, Madeline developed diaper rash, and a bad cold. This didn't preclude us from being able to get her vaccinations, but it did change up her schedule again. The (sacred) long stretches of sleep at night are now gone, replaced with short stints of sleeping, followed by coughing, crying and diaper changes.
Like any parent, I worry about Madeline, and want to make everything better. It bothers me to look at the redness on her tiny bottom and know that I can't immediately make it go away. To see her cry and feel pain  because of it and know there is little I can do tears me apart. It's the ultimate act of patience to methodically apply Desitin with every diaper change and just wait for the redness or soreness to go away. Lets hope the waiting doesn't last long.

Rush Hour (Week 20, Day 5)

End of the day smiles from Maddy

It's 5:40 PM, and Maddy is asleep. For the night. Sure, she'll wake up at least once or twice wanting to be fed or changed, but beyond that, she'll be out. It's weird how the end of my day can be the best and worst part of my day. It's the worst because I'm constantly rushing out the door at work, hoping I haven't left something behind, my task list not done and the list of work I'll need to do at night growing by the minute. I'm always rushing to get to Maddy, so I can get her home, fed, and have a little snuggle time before she inevitably is fast asleep between 5 and 6.

It's my favorite part of the day because when I get to daycare and Maddy sees me, I get a big smile and Maddy just wants to snuggle for awhile. When we get home it's just the two of us and we get to laugh and play as I rush to get her unpacked, changed and fed. Most days we manage to get a book read or sing a song. And by 5:30 or 6:00 PM, it's all done. She peacefully sleeping, and I'm wondering where the whirlwind of time just went, and wishing she stayed up just a little bit later so that we could spend a bit more quality time together.

20 Week Reflection (Week 20, Day 1)

Madeline is 20 weeks old today. I'm well beyond telling people that now - in the beginning new moms count everything in weeks, and you know you're beyond the newborn phase when you start counting in months, not weeks. But then I realized that she's only been alive half the time I was pregnant this week. At 20 weeks pregnant, we found out we were having a little girl. And we were thrilled. At 20 weeks, it all became more real for us, as we got serious about putting a name with the little being growing inside me. Before we knew the sex of the baby, we were coming up with crazy names - like Umbutu for example. It wasn't a front runner, but it certainly was joked about frequently. Now 40 weeks later, that little being we dreamed about is a happy 4 month old, and growing bigger every minute.

We spent the morning playing together as a family and making a big weekend breakfast. Mornings have begun to be  my favorite time for quality family togetherness - Maddy is always most awake and active in the mornings, and we get to laugh and giggle as a happy little family. Madeline has begun to test out her vocal chords in the last few weeks, and I swear once she starts talking, it’s going to be a real treat.Today she laid on her playmat and talked to her Owl and Squirrel forever and Phil and I watched and laughed. She’s begun cooing and calling out to people when they speak to her, and tonight she talked herself to sleep. It’s hilarious. I can’t wait to find out what she’s been trying to tell us.

There's More Than Corn in Indiana (Week 19, Day 6)

Saturday in Chicago is absolutely gorgeous, and we decide to make the most of it by driving down to the Indiana Dunes and going for a family hike. After packing up a lunch and getting Maddy ready for the trip, we head off. Now, a more reasonable parental unit would probably choose a short, easy hike as their first outing in the Dunes, much less with a small child. But not THIS parental unit. We choose a moderate route consisting of a 4 mile loop, and head off. 

Bernard family trip to the Dunes!

When we get to our first climb up a sandy dune I’m thankful we didn't choose a more rigorous route - it’s a fairly steep incline, and difficult to navigate alone, much less with a baby strapped to your chest. Phil is carrying Madeline as I've somehow managed to get tendinitis in my bicep - most likely from lugging around a giant car seat on a daily basis.

At the top of the Dune is a beautiful view of Lake Michigan, and a steep drop down. We admire the view, but don’t stay long as there is no shade and it’s hot in the mid-day sun. The path leads us along the top of the dune, along a very small sandy path. While I’m grateful I’m not carrying Maddy, I can’t help but constantly look back to make sure Phil is okay and watching his step - there are a few legs of the trail that are a bit nerve racking.

Once past the treacherous ridge, the path gets easier and more shaded, and we enjoy a nice leisurely and very secluded walk - in fact, we don’t see anyone else for most of the trip! The last mile of the hike becomes the hardest leg of the whole hike - not because of the elevation; in fact, the last leg is mostly downhill, and an easy path. It’s the hardest because we are now tired, hot and ready to be done. Phil is covered in sweat from the hike and carrying Maddy, and his back is starting to ache. I've been lugging the diaper bag on my one good arm, and now have 2 sore arms. Maddy is now well past her nap time, and has no intention of sleeping while there is so much to see and do. She spits out at least two binkies onto the sandy path, leaving us dangerously low on pacifiers to calm her down. Perhaps a 4 mile walks WAS a bit of a gamble for our first hike!

In the end we made it back to the car, and got Maddy (and Daddy) changed out of their sweat drenched clothes. The car ride home was quiet, as Maddy got some much needed rest.While our execution of our hiking plan didn't go quite as planned, it was still a memorable and fun day with the family, and a great way to spend a gorgeous day outside.

My Daughter Hands (Week 18, Day 6)

It occurred to me today that Madeline is now double the size from the day she was born. It shouldn't be that surprising at 4 months, but it's amazing how gradually it happened, and now her she lies, sprawled across my lap, all body and legs and so much bigger than that first day we brought her home.

The thing that amazes most his her hands. Not only have they grown in proportion to the rest of her, but they've also woken up and come alive just as Maddy has as she's grown. Where her balled up, tight fists used to be, there are open palms and extended fingers, always reaching and grabbing and exploring the new textures. These new appendages have little experience holding anything - and have the worlds softest palms to prove it. But that won't last long. When she is awake those little hands don't stop moving, and even as she falls asleep, her hand wanders across my face, grabbing my nose and exploring my chin, trying to make sense of it all. I think these little hands will always be a wonder to me.

Two Month of the Grind, Grind, Grind (Week 18, Day 5)

Night Night Baby Girl!

We are now into month 2 of Mommy being at work and Maddy at daycare. It seems Maddy is fully immersed in daycare and has no issue with her daily routine. I wish I could say the same for mommy - while the mishaps and forgotten items have gone away, the feeling of constantly rushing, being behind and not able to catch up have not. It's slowly getting easier. And I have to remind myself that getting promoted while on maternity leave and starting a new team is an amazing opportunity, and I would be bored coming back to my old job. But I have to remind myself a lot, as being bored sounds a whole lot easier right now.

The end of the work day is always the hardest, as it's the time when meetings are running over, I haven't sat down at my desk to check email in hours and could sit down and crank out some good quality work for a while. Instead I'm rushing out the door so I can pick up Maddy, get her home, changed, fed, and spend a few precious moments with her prior to her falling asleep somewhere between 5:30 and 6. Which is exactly what I want to be doing, and therefore find myself working at night just to keep up with the daily grind.

The great thing about the end if the day is the few minutes of quality time I do get with Maddy. She is overjoyed to see me at the end of the day, and her hugs and snuggles make any thought of work disappear. She makes it easy to focus on all the good things in life. And when she does fall asleep all too early for the night, her sweet innocent face reminds me of what most important in life and why I rush out the door every day to get to her.